Over the last 5 years or so, I have been learning so much about myself and what’s in my heart; the good, the bad, and the very ugly. I never realized how much anxiety I had until around the time I had my little Annabelle, five and a half years ago. I realized just how bad my anxiety was… is. I realized how much I cared about what others thought of me, and how much I let that control my emotions. I realized I have not 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙮𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛 well.
I’ve struggled with negative self talk and have been working to turn it around, but it’s a 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐲’𝐚𝐥𝐥! I have struggled with insecurity and inferiority, and thought I was just being humble.
In my quiet time almost two years ago, I wrote about a couple of Psalms that are pretty well known and familiar to me. Something hit me a little extra that morning. Here they are:

“𝘚𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘦 𝘎𝘰𝘥, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵; 𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙭𝙞𝙤𝙪𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
𝘗𝘴𝘢𝘭𝘮 139:23-24 𝘕𝘐𝘝

Then the Message seems to go a little deeper:
“𝘐𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦, 𝘖 𝘎𝘰𝘥, 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘦, 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘢 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐’𝘮 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵; 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨- 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘰𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦.” 𝘗𝘴𝘢𝘭𝘮 139:23-24 𝘔𝘚𝘎

“𝘛𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘥, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘮𝘦, 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝙢𝙮 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙.” 𝘗𝘴𝘢𝘭𝘮 26:2 𝘕𝘐𝘝

“𝘌𝘹𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘮𝘦, 𝘎𝘰𝘥, 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘵, 𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘴. 𝘔𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘐’𝘮 𝘧𝘪𝘵, 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵.” 𝘗𝘴𝘢𝘭𝘮 26:2 𝘔𝘚𝘎

I have prayed these a lot. I have tried so hard to be “good.” I try to steer clear of 𝘰𝘣𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 sin. I 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that we all “fall short” and sin. I 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that it is only by God’s amazing grace that I’m saved and that I could never be “good” enough. However, when we’re living for Christ, and have the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it is easier to make better choices.
So I was living, thinking I’m making pretty good choices, and sharing my heart and thoughts about God with others. Meanwhile, praying these Psalms, that God would search me and reveal to me anything that I needed to work on, and 𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐇𝐞!!! I realized the insecurities, anxiety, worry, fear… all of it is sin I’ve been dealing with.

In Matthew 22:37-38, Jesus tells us the greatest commandments to live by… “𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘎𝘰𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵, 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙈𝙄𝙉𝘿. (I’ll address verse 39 in my next post)
I’d like to think I am loving Him with all my heart and soul, but if I’m honest with myself… I can’t be loving Him with 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙮 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙. I am working on “𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘣𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵.” 2 𝘊𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘴 10:5

I will no longer assume the worst in each scenario. I will no longer replay conversations or situations and beat myself up over what others must think of me, only about God’s opinion of me, and you know what? 𝘏𝘦 𝙖𝙙𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨 𝘮𝘦!!! I am so loved, fearfully and wonderfully made! He calls me friend, daughter, beloved, redeemed. So the next time anxiety, fear and doubt creep in, or a negative comment comes my way, I will straighten up my crown. I will remind myself that I am a princess because I am a daughter of the Most High King! I will love Him back, even with all of my mind.